What to do when culture holds you back from happiness

This is a reply/ comment that I posted to a question posed by a woman here, who felt torn between her culture/family and her happiness.

First of all congratulations on finding a partner who is kind, affectionate, treats First of all congratulations on finding a partner, who treats you as an equal, is making you happy, respects you and above all values you.

Now for your parents / society. Did you ever tell your parents the true story of what went on in your marriage before your divorce? If you did, what did your parents do? Did they intervene/ try to help you in some way or did they come up with the it’s your fate / destiny or he will eventually change dialogue.

If you did not tell your parents, then you have to come clean now and tell them about the time in hell that you had with your ex. This is not because you are required to tell your parents everything, but because you feel that their approval is necessary. Its going to be a slow road, but i’m sure that if they really love you, even if they disapprove on the outside they will be secretly happy that their daughter found happiness.

Society, culture and traditions’ real purpose was to create order out of chaos and to help people live a harmonious life. Culture wasn’t supposed to be stagnant, culture is supposed to evolve and accommodate. Having lived in the US for close to a decade I can tell you that there are aspects of both cultures that are same, nosy MILs, abusive husbands, dependent parents, tiffs with family and siblings, etc. The only difference is that here I feel people give themselves permission to be happy and find happiness more easily. Which is what you should do too.  Also, you are not the first person in the so called society to divorce or marry out if caste/culture/ religion etc. Its been done before and will be done more often in the future.

If your new guy (i’m not even going to call him american guy) is all what you have said then he’s probably smart enough to know that you are still conflicted and he still is with you which also makes him extremely patient. Which is also a good quality in a partner.

Do not even think of marriage yet, try to be happy in your relationship first. Make a two column list write down things about your ex and your boyfriend and compare, read it whenever you feel a longing for your former life. Find a good therapist, go alone first and sort out your feelings, then go with him. Do a workshop for inter racial or intercultural couples, start a blog ( there are many blogs written by women who aren’t desi married to Indian/paki/bangladeshi guys).

Lastly, while its certainly possible to go through life without a partner, a loving, supportive and caring partner enhances that experience a hundred fold. So GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to BE HAPPY. Hope this helps.

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1 Comment

  1. I used American Guy only as a substitute to his name. Thanks for this response.
    I so agree with,

    //This is not because you are required to tell your parents everything, but because you feel that their approval is necessary.//
    //Society, culture and traditions’ real purpose was to create order out of chaos and to help people live a harmonious life.//
    //while its certainly possible to go through life without a partner, a loving, supportive and caring partner enhances that experience//

    Reply

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